I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
