If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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