My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
