Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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