fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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