and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
