my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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