kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
