I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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