Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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