I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
