I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
