all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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