8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
