i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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