Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
