is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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