Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
