R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
