Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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