No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
