First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
