She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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