I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
