did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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