i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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