i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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