he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
