New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I need a beard to bite.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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