Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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