I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
