get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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