3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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