I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
