She's JV to your varsity
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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