Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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