Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
