Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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