It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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