he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
