You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
