I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
