Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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