But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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