It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
