...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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