are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
