just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
