currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
