Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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