Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
